not a big mystery

Phoenix```

http://aspergersireland.myfastforum.org/ftopic234-0-asc-0.php

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt57612.html
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp2274452.html&highlight=#2274452

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt103894.html
http://wikipediareview.com/index.php?showtopic=22008

from one of Gaye's personae - Zeraeph:

Realising the extent to which User:Samvak and him minions, including, but certainly not limited to, User:A Kiwi have invaded and taken over my mind, my emotions and my life over the past 9 years...

It really has been that long, and it really has been that unrelenting.

Basically, I think User:Samvak has managed to render the internet itself, at least for me, into one long running Gaslighting game.

Josef Goebbels once said that "if you tell a lie long enough it will become the truth", so User:Samvak carefully concocted a fiction of me and told it over and over again, directly and through his minions for 9 years, until nobody sees me at all, just the lies.

Believe it or not, I don't actually know most of those lies myself (beyond the poison pen mails authored by User:A Kiwi that I only finally saw since New Year), just their effects.

I am an Aspie, driven further inside myself by childhood abuse. I'm not a people person, I don't find people comforting, we aren't on the same wavelength, and besides I grew up, isolated, in a house where I would have had to be insane to trust anyone at all. So I was really a soft target, I just looked strong which must have made it so much more satisfying.

I realise that, over the past 9 years, all this stalking and lying has erroded any trace of a potential to trust people I ever had. It has also erroded all faith in myself. In spite of everything I know intellectually, about the lies that have been told and how they have worked on me it has also erroded any faith I had in myself, leaving me fully intellectually aware of who I am, and how hard I work to be realistic, honest and honorable and yet also utterly incapable of feeling or believing that anyone could ever want, like or care for me anymore.

I am losing my grip now, the breaking point came suddenly. I don't see any point in even surviving on these terms. I am sitting here wondering how I can even go on having any kind of life this way...

It's not just on the outside, it's in my head now, like brainwashing. I run from anyone who makes a move towards me now, because I am conditioned by all this to believe that everything I do or say, no matter how hard I try, will be percieved as abuse. I am conditioned by User:Samvak and his friends to see myself as someone people see as repulsive and disgusting, I am so conditioned by all this that I cannot see any reality beyond that. It's easy to do that to an Aspie, we can't read interaction intuitively and have to work it out intellectually.

The worst kind of people sense that vulnerability and put the boot in instinctively, and it snowballs. Along the way I have seen the most sadistic harpies present themselves as victims, and get away with it both because of the lies that have taken the place of my reality, and, sometimes, just "because". User:SandyGeorgia is of that kind, a blatant bully with a cavalier attitude to the truth and a driving need to dominate everyone she encounters. Weaker people just go along with it because it's easier than facing and telling the truth.

I believed in Wikipedia, I believed I would get a fair hearing and I was horrified, halfway through to see arbcom members actually manipulating the evidence, lying about me in their own right, and deliberately putting my health down on the line to gag me.

I don't know what User:Samvak's point was. I know User:Samvak wanted me for something, not in any caring or human way, no doubt just as a "thing" to own and control, and I turned him down, and not only that, I saw through him and refused to pretend I didn't. I defied him, and I will defy him all the way to my grave, he is loathsome, and so is his agenda, and anyone who enables it.

Realising here that there is no way I can stop all these lies reaching into the life of a very innocent person who needs me and insuring that I will never be allowed to help, and that the conditioning in my head will always make me run away from everyone I ever like, or want now. Because whatever they do or say there will always be this little voice in my head telling me that whatever they say they really despise me because I am disgusting, repulsive and pathetic. Knowing that is a lie does help when somebody goes to all the trouble of spreading lies behind my back to get that lie reinforced everywhere I turn.

It's not going to end, if anything it is shifting up a gear. People ask why I go on fighting it, there are two reasons:

a) Knowing how wrong the whole agenda is I don't have a moral option but at least TRY to oppose it. b) I can either be trapped in it and fight back, or I can just be trapped in it, there has never been a third option, which would you choose?

I hope those of you responsible are proud of your tactics and lies.

I suggest that if A Kiwi has any allegations to make concerning myself that she take them, and her (usually creative) "evidence", without further delay, to the proper authorities, for example, the FBI. I am desperate enough to consider pleading guilty to any charge she can persuade them to bring, simply because, after that, whatever the penalty, she will never again be able to stalk me with poison pen emails, false identities, impersonation, defamation and a degree of sick obsession that, after 9 years, is truly terrifying. The effects on my mental and emotional wellbeing, as well as my, once, good name and reputation have been honestly devastating. Even if I had to serve a couple of years in prison for something I didn't do, at least, when I came out, I would finally be able to live my life free from the devastating effects of the malicious fixation of a total stranger. - Zeraeph, by IP --78.152.236.67 (talk) 13:08, 13 January 2008 (UTC)

The man that sets out to carry a cat by it's tail learns something that will always be useful and which will never grow dim or doubtful. - Mark Twain

Wisdom consists in the anticipation of consequences. - Norman Cousins

Power is not revealed by striking hard or often, but by striking true. - Honore de Balzac

Phoenix```

an undisciplined but passionate artist, painter, sculptor, photographer

protective daughter, cantankerous sister, relaxed beta mom (and proud of it)

reliable lifelong friend with my exhusband, survivor of an emotionally abusive exboyfriend, somewhat intimacy-phobic but recovering non-committed woman with a couple really great guys in my life

I love my job, the people I work with, and the team I'm a part of where I get to be part one warden, one part therapist, 2 parts Auntie Mame !

I'm an unpredictable but reliable friend to my brigade of Les Grandes Dames.

I explore, challenge, travel but I also navel-gaze, hide and run away.

I welcome the wonderful company of good men into my life, while keeping them at a safe distance.

I'm passionate and loving while also being guarded and wounded.

I'm stubborn as hell !! But full of hope.

My hope was my commitment but kept me in a damaging relationship for years.

My faith is broken, but my willingness to mend it is intact.

I'm slow to learn, but I never forget a lesson.

I'm intelligent, talented and on a good moral path. I also make mistakes.

Most mistakes I laugh easily about, some I'm still trying to make amends to myself over.

I've learned in the last few years what it's like to feel desperation, melodrama, offense, doubt, suspicion, guilt, shame, hatred and rage. I'm more familair with my shadow side now than I ever was before.

And

I also have become intimate with my intuition, my resilience, my humility, and my faith in myself knowing right from wrong.

I'm lazy, undisciplined, and chaotic while also being determined, accomplished, impactful, influential and spontaneous.

I'm politically, globally and locally minded. I read, debate, laugh easily, and I cry too. I'm surrounded by friends, family, rewarding work and outside and self-support for my own creativity. I've had a good life, attached to nature, comfortably and quietly spiritual that took a nose dive for a few years..but the sun is shining again.

I also stand up to bullies and abusers.

"The dry seasons of life do not last. The spring rains come again."

not a big mystery

Sunday, March 2, 2008

who is Gaye Dalton? maybe a mix of good and bad

Saturday, March 1, 2008

and who am I? NOT Gaye Dalton, but a mix of good and bad too

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